Jaded

Yes i am one of those jaded females. The one who complains that there are no nice guys out there, and who loudly declares that men suck. no one can tell me otherwise or try to change my mind. its too late for that one.

So here i am another late nite after a break-up (on facebook no less; can i add to the list that men are wimps too!) Another nite that i sit and contemplate becoming a nun, or maybe living life as a hermit. men just make it too easy for girls like me to become jaded and cynical.

I start out every relationship the same way; with trust and hope. Now don't get me wrong i never build my hope up too high (learned that lesson early on) I don't go in thinking wedding bells and what color i'll paint our first child's room. But with hope that this guy might actually be a nice guy that i could spend time with. Things go fine for the first while...sometimes a month, other times a week, and in one case since childhood. Sure guys start treating you right in the beginning. You know taking you out for dinner, little txt messages to see how your doing, a mixed cd (never flowers for me i guess i'm just not that kinda girl).

Then it starts...the downfall. After a few failed relationships i can see it coming. He stops trying to make you smile, or make you feel special. Those little things he promises to do never happen. He tells you he'll come over, but an hour before he gets a 'headache'. He'd rather ignore you then spend time with you. He calls the ex or she calls him (as in the last two cases). And then its over just as soon as it started. He tells you he has to talk (you think of baseball to keep your mind off what he is saying), he just ignores you until you force the conversation, or he sends you a message on facebook after he has removed your dating status.

This folks is why i'm jaded. I don't go out seeking those 'bad boys' who will break my heart...no actually the opposite most of the guys i have dated have been 'nice' 'Christian' guys that have morals and know really how to treat a girl. HAH yeah right!

So now i'm less then a month from turning 22 and i'm thinking of swearing of relationships with men until i'm 30, and why? because the men of this world have worked their 'magic' on me, and finally my spirit is broken. I no longer have the will to put myself out there. I no longer want to take a chance on a relationship. There is no more trust in me, and the hope i once had is gone. I'm staring at a broken wall in the mirror that needs to be fixed, but only by me. There is no man out there that i'm willing to let in to help.

I'm done.

Letter to my sister on her 16th birthday along with her promise ring

Song Of Songs 6:5
I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.

This ring is a promise to God, yourself, and your future husband.

Just like the verse says that is inscribed in your ring. You are beloved. If you look up the definition of beloved in the dictionary (I had to do it online since I didn’t bring one with me) it says that beloved means: Greatly loved; dear to the heart. And you my sister are beloved by God himself. If you read Song of Songs (ewwww I know its gushy) it is basically a love letter from God himself to you. Song of Songs 4:7 says “You are so beautiful, my beloved, so perfect in every part”. That is God himself saying that he loves you. The very same God who created the stars, tells the rain when to pour, destroys great nations, and dances over you while you sleep. You are his daughter, bride, and beloved one. His grace, kindness, joy are within you. This ring is a promise to that very same God. A promise that you will love him and call him your beloved. God has a plan for you. He knows your needs. He delights in you. He feels your pain. He holds your hand as you walk through life. He wants nothing but good things for you. He is your faithful lover.

In the words of Shakespeare “To thine own self be true”. There will be times in your life when you will have to choose what is best for you, and I hope you feel this ring on your finger and it reminds you of your promise. A promise to respect yourself, and set yourself apart. You have chosen to treat your body like the temple that God made it to be. I want you to learn to truly love yourself. I know some days it will be hard to do that (not only on bad hair days). Get to know yourself. Find out what makes your heart soar, and what makes you tick (I already know how to push your buttons ;p ). Feel confident in yourself, you can achieve anything if you set your mind to it.

And as for your future husband. Yes I know boys are all icky right now, and books are way better, but there will come a time when that will change. With this ring you are making a promise to a man you have yet to meet, or maybe you have met him already. It’s a symbol of purity, love, devotion, and a gift to him on the day of your wedding. This ring will be there to remind you not only to be true to your future husband, but also remind you to guard yourself around other girl’s future husbands. Don’t do anything with a guy that you wouldn’t want another girl doing with your future husband. Remember to never lower your standards. There is a guy out there waiting for you to come along and organize all of his books. Just like Jacob worked over two thousand five hundred days to win Rachel’s hand in marriage (Genesis 29:18). There is someone out there who cherishes you enough to wait for you.

So my dear sister I hope you decide to take this ring and make it your life promise.

waiting

i hate this whole waiting game. i'm supposed to be hearing about a job today, and here i am sitting by my phone wasting my day away. can they not just give me a time and say we will have called you by (blank) time if you got the job. bah!!!! frustrating. if i don't get this job i have no idea what i'm going to do. you see my class was canceled, so the only reason i moved down to vancouver is gone. then if this job doesn't work out what else am i supposed to do. i almost wish that i could just pack everything up and move back home, but i can't do that now. i feel like my life has been put on hold!

starting to settle in

so the place isn't too bad...my room is super small but i have manged to fit all of my crap in. only two more boxes to unpack. the only thing that is really getting to me is the animals...bah!!!!!! i've cleaned up soooo many messes from her stupid dog, and the house just reeks of animal piss. not to mention the four dogs up stairs that never shut up....GAH!!!

stressed

so i am incredibly stressed at the moment. there is all this stuff that needs to be done, but i know with every box i pack i'm saying goodbye to this life.

its just sucking having to say goodbye to everyone, and i just don't have that time to be able to say goodbye to them all. and those i really want to get rid of just stick around...bah. i just don't want to leave this comfy place where i know everyone, i feel safe, and i know i have a support system.

back in highschool i knew everything would have to change, but i didn't think i would be the one to go and change it all.

One Week

So i have officially one week to pack my whole life up into cardboard boxes. It seems weird that i am finally here ready to move. okay well not really ready...i'm scared and i don't want to leave my comfort zone, but i know i need to move. i need to fallow my dreams, and i need to get out of this house.

its really not a horrible home here. i love my mom and my sister. its just that my step-father makes life a little unbearable at times. really i just feel like i am an inconvenience in his life. not only has he told me i'm not his daughter, but if i ever ask anything of him that might interfere with his plans for snowmobiling . its like i'm either talking to a brick wall, or i just get more crap than a city dump can hold. he even knows how to pull off "the look".

anyways enough ranting. i just wish that the whole film industry would just move up here to kelowna so i could just stay put, and not have to worry about moving, rent, a job, food. BAH! i'm just a little stressed.

Upcoming

So here i am on the verge of a new adventure in life. i'm moving away from my comfy home and moving to the big city. frick am i nervous.